He wasn't okay
by HRL
Summary: Set after 12x14. Dean discovers that Sam is also working for the BMOL and feels betrayed. He leaves the bunker, feeling lonely, desperate, when the right person turns up to save him once again.
1. Part I

Hi guys !

I posted this a few months ago on another website and just recently realized I had never posted it here. Since I finally decided to write a sequel (and actually finished writing half of it), I thought I could post it now ! The second (and last) chapter will be hopefully posted within the next fews days !

Sorry about any mistakes or awkward use of the past tense. Even if I now live in an english-speaking country, I can't seem to wrap my head around that ^^

Enjoy :)

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PART I

He wasn't okay.

Truth is, he hadn't been okay for a while. Maybe ever.

It was hard to remember a time when he had been happy. Especially since it seemed like what he remembered from his childhood wasn't true. Since his mom came back to life, he had realized the pretty, soft blonde who wore floral dresses and spent her days baking apple pies and singing lullabies probably never existed. Since she came back, he realized he didn't know her at all. After all, he was four years old when she died. As the time had passed, his scattered memories of her had mostly disappeared, replaced by memories he wished were true.

Sure, he was glad she was back. He was so lucky to get a second chance to get to know her he hated himself for feeling disappointed. And he wasn't disappointed in her, not really. The problem was their relationship that was so different from what he had hoped it would be.

When his father was alive, it seemed like things were easier. John had raised him, and even if he was hard on him most of the time, there was no doubt that he had loved him. The man had been driven by his desire of revenge. Heartbroken since the love of his life had died so horribly. Numb after seeing and killing so many monsters. But he had loved his sons, had done everything to protect them even if raising them like little soldiers had been his way of showing them.

At the time, Sam had been the rebellious one. Always looking for more. While Dean had been following his father blindly, it seemed like Sam had always been looking for conflict.

Many years later, it was strange to see how much the tables had turned.

Mary was back and Dean almost never agreed with her, always looking for more. Sam was taking her side and it hurt like hell. He finally understood how his brother must have felt when he left for Stanford. When John had told him to not bother coming back. When Dean had watched him go and said nothing.

And he also felt stupid, because it wasn't as if they were kicking him out of the bunker. Mary wasn't even living with them. She never really did. She was their blood, but she never really acted like family, no matter how hard she tried. She had to love them because they were her sons, but she had a hard time getting to know them. Still, she wanted to protect them. Maternal instincts or not, she had chosen to work with the British Men of Letters. The people who had helped them, but also tortured Sam. People they weren't sure they could trust. To Dean, it felt like she'd rather trust strangers than her own family. That's what hurt the most. They had nevertheless defeated so many monsters, so much evil. Yellow-Eyed Demon, Lucifer, the Leviathans… wasn't that enough for her?

And then Sam sided with her. Worse, he sided with them as well, after everything he and Dean had been through. Even if he thought they were wrong, truth is, Dean didn't know if they had a point or not. Working with the British Men of Letters seemed like the worst idea ever, for so many reasons. He tried to understand but he couldn't see how things could end in a good way with them. No matter how hard he had tried, despite what Sam and Mary thought. After all the time they kept secrets and worked being each other's backs and had to deal with the terrible outcome. How was it going to end this time?

When Sam had confessed that he had agreed to work with them as well, Dean hadn't been as surprised as he probably should have. And he had tried to remain calm, he really had. But the only thing he had been able to do was muttering an "awesome" without looking at his brother, taking his keys and slamming the bunker door.

Now he was driving, without really knowing where to. It had been a couple of hours since he had left the bunker and he still didn't know what to do or where to go.

He was on his own and he wasn't okay.

He didn't even know for how long it had been driving when his phone started ringing again. The first hour, Sam had tried to call him at least a dozen times. Then, Mary had tried to call. But he didn't want to speak to them. Didn't want them to know how much it hurt that he couldn't agree with them.

But this time, he hesitated when he saw the name on the screen. He had wanted to call him since the moment he started the car. But he had been scared. What if he started working with Crowley again? What if he tried to convince him that working with the British wasn't such a bad idea? What if he agreed with them, and not with him? Could he handle losing him as well?

Before having time to process what he was doing, he answered the phone.

\- "Hello Dean." Said the voice at the other end of the line.

\- "Cas." was all Dean could mutter.

\- "Where are you?"

\- "Did Sam call you?" Dean asked, suspicious.

\- "Yes." Cas admitted. "He told me what happened. He told me you left and he thought you would have called me. But I haven't heard from you for days." Dean couldn't ignore the disappointment in the angel's voice.

\- "I wanted to, buddy. I just… I don't know. I'm lost. I…" It was only then that Dean realized that he had been holding back tears since he left the bunker. And right now, he was so close to break.

\- "It's okay Dean… I'm worried about you. Just tell me where you are." said the angel in a soft voice.

\- "I'm fine Cas."

\- "Dean! Sorry for not believing you right now. Tell me where you are!" Insisted Cas, growling.

\- "I don't know man, I've been driving for hours and I don't even know where I'm going" Dean sighed, exasperated. "Seems like I am not far from Omaha." He added after passing a sign.

\- "Can we meet in Des Moines? I was on my way back to the bunker from Chicago. I should be there in a couple of hours, approximately the same time as you."

\- "Cas, if you want to go back to the bunker, it's fine." Dean replied, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

\- "You are the most infuriating person I have ever met, you know that?" interrupted Cas, clearly annoyed. "We need to talk Dean, let's meet. Please." He added in a softer voice.

\- "Ok. First one there chooses and motel and text the address to the other." Dean mumbled.

\- "Good. See you later." Cas said in a soothing voice.

Dean hung up, without answering. He felt like he didn't have the strength anymore. He felt exhausted, empty. And at the same time, he felt so relieved because he had a destination. Because Cas was waiting for him and he wasn't going to be alone anymore.


	2. Part II

Hi guys !

So this is definitely my best work, but I wanted to finish it today and I'll probably never be satisfied with it anyway, so I figured I might as well just post is as it is.

When I wrote the first part, I had no idea where I was going with it and I wasn't even sure about writing a second part. But I got sort of inspired so here is the second and last part of this short story !

I hope it's not too full of mistakes, if anyone wants to beta read this or my potential future works, let me know !

Enjoy :)

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PART II

When he got to the parking lot of the motel where Cas was waiting for him, he felt a wave of relief overwhelming him. Almost immediately followed by a wave a fear. For some reason, and he wasn't even sure why, he was dreading this encounter with the angel.

But when he got closer and saw the shy smile on his best friend's face, the only thing he could do was to throw himself in his arms. He felt that Cas was surprised at first, not used to such a display of affection. Sure, they were hugging more and more often. But most of the time, it was because one of them had been hurt or dying. Not because they were sad and seeking for comfort. But the angel relaxed quickly and put his arms around the hunter's shoulders.

Dean put his forehead against Cas' shoulder, tightening his embrace around the angel's waist, taking deep breaths to try to stay calm. But Castiel could feel his struggle.

\- "It's okay Dean, I'm here." He murmured, caressing his back with one of his hands in a soothing movement, like he had often seen other people do. He was still the awkward Angel of the Lord he had always been, but he was definitely getting better when it came to knowing how to react to some situations.

\- "Hum…sorry…I…" Dean blushed when he pulled himself out of the angel's strong arms but still being so close to him that he could feel the heat radiating from his body. Years ago, he would have been embarrassed by this lack of personal space, now he just found it comforting.

\- "You have nothing to apologize for, Dean." Replied Cas, giving him a shy smile. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you and why you left the bunker?" he asked, hoping the hunter wasn't going to avoid the topic forever.

\- "Sam didn't tell you?" Dean was surprised. Sam wasn't used to keeping his mouth shut. When something was wrong, he never hesitated to talk about it. Was he so ashamed of working with the British that he couldn't tell Cas? Dean felt some relief at that thought. Maybe his brother realized he had made the wrong decision.

\- "He said you had a fight, but didn't say about what. He said it wasn't important, but that he was worried about you." Replied Cas, looking at the hunter in a way that made him feel the angel was trying to read his mind.

\- "Like hell it's not important!" shouted Dean. "The guy is just befriending the enemy!" When he saw Castiel's confused look and the way he tilted his head as usual when he didn't understand something, Dean added: "Mom has been working with the British Men of Letters for some time now and Sam decided to join them."

Still looking at the hunter with his head slightly tilted, which Dean found adorable even though he would never admit it, Cas said:

\- "I've worked with them before. You weren't this angry."

\- "It wasn't the same! They helped you find us! You didn't help them! You went to them because you were desperate, not because you actually wanted to work with them. Isn't that right?" Dean replied, desperately hoping that his friend would agree with him.

\- "Of course, I would have done anything to find you." Cas replied in a deep tone that made the hunter shiver. "But we have to admit that they're powerful and have a lot of resources Dean. Becoming their ally might be appealing when you're desperate." He added, even though he knew the hunter was not going to like his words.

\- "Cas…please…" Dean was literally begging his friend. "I need someone on my side." He added with a pleading look. "I am not trying to be stubborn here, I just don't trust them and I am pretty sure working with them will backfire on us at some point. Look at what happened to you when we followed Mom the last time."

\- "Yes, that mission was way more dangerous than we expected…but Ramiel..." started the angel.

\- "You could have died on that stupid mission Cas!" Dean interrupted his friend, the anger and fear back in his voice. "We almost lost you and who came to the rescue when shit got bad? Crowley! Even the freaking King of Hell is more trustworthy than those assholes!" Dean stepped back from Cas' personal space and started pacing around his friend, trying to calm his nerves.

When he realized the hunter was getting angrier and angrier and he was nowhere near calming down, Castiel decided he had to tell him why he had disappeared for the past few days now, before things got worse. He knew Dean was going to be angry and disappointed in him but he had to be honest.

\- "Dean, what I said when I was dying… I meant it. You're my family, the three of you. " said the angel in a soft voice. "And I love you." He added, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

Dean shuddered when he heard the words coming out of the angel once again, this time in a calm and steady voice that made them even more powerful. But he knew the angel, he knew the worried look on his face and he knew these words were only covering something else.

\- "Why are you telling me that?" He replied, harsher than he first meant to.

\- "I need to tell you something." He said his tone so shy that the hunter barely heard him.

When he saw how reluctant Cas looked, Dean stopped pacing. He froze, worried about what he was going to hear.

\- "What? Don't tell me you're thinking about joining them too!" He couldn't believe it. Cas wouldn't do that. Even if he had betrayed him in the past, he couldn't do that now.

\- "This has nothing to do with the Men of Letters."

Dean almost let out a relieved sigh but then, the angel started speaking again.

\- "I went back to heaven."

That was it, the thing that Dean had dreaded. Even if he had been expecting to hear something like that, he still felt like a punch in the gut. For a second, he felt like he couldn't breathe. Then he exploded.

\- "You did WHAT?" He said, shaking.

\- "Dean… you have to understand…" started Cas, cringing at the hunter's obvious anger.

\- "Understand what Cas? That no matter how much I want you, Sam, Mom and me to stick together and be a team, I am the only one to feel this way ? That I am the only one to think, after everything that we've been through, we could do this together! I know I've made a lot of mistakes but I didn't expect my whole family to go being my back because they'd rather work with other people than trust me."

The angel felt an unexpected warmness at the hunter's words. Being included in Dean's family always had this effect on him. And with his latest trip to heaven, he knew he didn't belong there anymore and the Winchesters were the only ones who mattered; he had never been so sure of that, even if he had felt that way for some years now.

He got closer to the hunter a put a hand on his shoulder and forced him to turn around and look at him.

\- "Dean…" he whispered in a soft voice. "Dean." He said again, this time in a stronger tone, waiting for the hunter to raise his head and stop avoiding his gaze. Castiel felt like his world was crumbling when he saw that the tears were back in Dean's eyes and they both knew it was the angel's fault. He was clenching his teeth, glaring at Cas, but they both could tell he was having a hard time trying to pretend he wasn't about to fall apart. "Please let me explain." He muttered. Dean nodded, still trying to avoid his gaze even if the angel had gotten so close that their bodies where touching. "I didn't want to hide this from you because I don't want you to think I'm going behind your back."

\- "Well, you should have thought about that before going there. You should have told me before going Cas." Said Dean, unable to hide the pain in his voice.

\- "You were busy and… well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I… Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted… I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself." Cas lowered his head, ashamed. He removed his hand from Dean's shoulder, letting fall against his body, but he gasped when he felt the hunter's hand closing around his wrist, as if he was trying to keep him close. "I wanted to keep you out of this. I…I was trying to keep you safe." He added, avoiding his friend's gaze.

\- 'You're not our babysitter, Cas, okay? That is not your job." Dean said in soft voice. "And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?" he added with a sad smile.

\- "I know… I just had to try."

\- "Well, did they have anything?"

\- "No, it was a waste of time. They don't know what they're doing." Castiel couldn't hide how annoying it had been, wasting his time going back to heaven, thinking they might have a lead on Kelly Kline and a solution for the Nephilim, instead of being where he really wanted, at the bunker with the Winchesters. "I won't be going back to heaven." He added. "I'd rather be with you."

Dean knew that by "you", Cas meant him, but also Sam, and probably his mom. But when he was looking at him with his crazy blue eyes, standing so close to him and saying stuff like "I'd rather be with you", Dean's heart was skipping beats, and he couldn't help it.

\- "Good" was the only thing he managed to reply. He let his hand slip a little, from the angel wrist to his hand and laced their fingers. When the angel softly squeezed his hand, the hunter smiled, his first real smile since he had left the bunker.

He still wasn't okay, but he was better. Cas was there with him, for him, and right now, it was everything he needed. Everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
